Monday, November 21, 2005

satisfaction brought it back

I just received an email from my Goddaughter. Usually when I see that it has been carbon copied to everyone in her guestbook I delete it without bothering to read it. The kids are notorious for forwarding shit. I scrolled down out of bored curiosity to discover it was not a chain letter, but a petition.
Again, I never sign these things or pass them on, but I read the tale anyway.

"IF YOU DON'T SIGN THIS THEN YOU ARE SICK! This is so terrible. A site that we were able to shut last year hasreturned We have to try to shut it down again! (www.bonsaikitten.com) AJapanese man in New York breeds and sells kittens that are calledBONSAI CATS. That would sound cute, if it weren't kittens that wereput into little bottles after being given a muscle relaxant and thenlocked up for the rest of their lives!! The cats are fed through astraw andhave a small tube for their faces. The skeleton of the cat will take onthe form of the bottle as the kitten grows. The cats never get theopportunity to move. They are used as original and exclusive souvenirs.These are thelatest trends in NewYork, China, Indonesia and New Zealand. If youthink you can handle it, go to this site www.bonsaikitten.com and have alookat the methods being used to put these little kittens into bottles.This petition needs 500 names, so please put your one name on it!!! Copy thetext into a new email and put your name on the bottom, then send it toeveryone you know!"

I thought, yeah, whatever, another bullshit scam for spammers to find the suckers among us.
I went to the website. It was indeed what the letter had stated. I clicked on Gallery and was immediately mortified to see the pic of a kitten in a bottle. I heaved at the thought of this poor kitten doomed to live his life in a jar. I was disturbed and sickened. I close the window and set about writing to the SPCA and PETA or more likely to simply voice my outrage on my blog.

I began with a furious scathing line about the kind of sick twisted fuck would do something like this. How could something so disgusting be tolerated? Then I decided I needed to choke back my revulsion and vomit and inform myself completely before involving the pet protection authorities or looking like a complete moron for believing everything I read and see on the internet. I should know better.
I swallowed hard as I re-opened the page and began to read the method behind this madness.

"At only a few weeks of age, a kitten's bones have not yet hardened and become osseous. They are extremely soft and springy. In fact, if you take a week-old kitten and throw it to the floor, it will actually bounce! We do not recommend that you try this at home. The kitten may bounce under the furniture and be difficult to retrieve, as well as covered in unsightly household dust."

I believed it would be possible to feed a kitten in a bottle through a straw, but how would they remove the waste?
They had an answer for that as well.

"Left to its own devices, the kitten would quickly fill its vessel with its own urine and feces, leading to certain sickness and death, not to mention the inevitably unpleasant appearance and odor. The best solution is to seal the kitten's anus with Super Glue prior to insertion, and then insert a waste tube through a third hole in the vessel. As the kitten's body is still developing, a natural rectal diverticulum will soon form around the tube, which can be drained in any convenient fashion. It's just like a kitty colostomy bag!"

By the time I got to super glue I was laughing and beginning to realize this was indeed a joke. The more I read the more I laughed, as much at my own naïveté as at the actual content. I wonder if perhaps the email my Goddaughter sent to me was initiated by the Bonsai Kitty people themselves.
Sheer brilliance.
This whole thing has given me cause to ponder creating for myself a Bonsai hubby, perhaps in the shape of Vin Diesel.
Hmmm, now where did I put that super glue?

ben

9 Comments:

At 3:17 p.m., Anonymous The SIL said...

Oh.
Em.
Gee.

Hey you - outta the gene pool!!! Some people are too stupid to live. *headdesk* Nevermind that Bonsai Kitten has been around since the 90's*... Wonder what they would think of Cat Scan? Maybe when you have your new position of power you can publish a stirring piece in the "rag" ;D

I'm just glad that you finally realised that this was a joke, because otherwise I would have had to permanently disown you! I would have missed you.

*Yes, I am a little internet jaded and I realise not everone was using the internet in the last century.

 
At 3:53 p.m., Blogger Ted said...

I was shaking my head when I started reading this, hoping you weren't about to go on that rant, condemning bonsai kitty and anyone else all to hell for their cruelty.

As your SIL said, it has been around for some years and it would have been a shame for someone such as yourself to fall for it ;-)

I like the bonsai hubby idea too! Only I was thinking more along the lines of being shaped like Jessica Alba. Just think, then you wouldn't have to be embarrassed about your Heiny wearing ladies underwear!

 
At 4:49 a.m., Blogger The Moomin said...

yeah, it's a joke, all right. but a disguisting one too.

fortunately, kittens are far too smart to stay locked into a jar. this is just another example of vicious propaganda created by DOGS!!

 
At 11:25 p.m., Blogger mindcandy said...

I'm glad I got here before you got too huge!

Brilliant as always.

I'm working on a Bonzai Kitty Pride myself. So far the prototype has ben intangible.

 
At 6:30 a.m., Blogger sexybeast said...

Yeah, I had to check this one out too. They had me.

Good to see you ben. Good to be back.

 
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